Battles of my mind

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My mind has always been a busy place. I constantly have to put thoughts under subjection – subjection of the Holy Ghost. My mind is a war zone where thoughts bombard and threaten utter peace. There has to be a conscious effort to quiet the mind. I over think situations and conversations and many times draw conclusions that may not be there. Over the years I would share some things that bothered me but certainly not all. As I got older I learnt how to ask for help.

A close friend of mine and I visited a secret place one day, by the sea side among the rocks. This was one of those busy minded days. I had been overwhelmed for a while and I may have asked for us to go there. While he sat on the rocks behind me, I walked out to the edge. I am sure he thought I was just enjoying the picturesque view. I was actually contemplating a jump. I gave up on everything. I was fully convinced that it would be better for everyone if I was no longer around. I am pretty sure someone would say as a teenager, what problems could I have. I had problems that were threatening my sanity and health. I was adamant to fix them. I stood for a while but my friend knew better than to bother me when I walked off into silence. This moment I am talkative and the next I am lost in thought. As I stood everyone and everything flashed before me and I was ready to go. A single thought came to jerk me back to sanity “what if you don’t die when you fall?” I started to hear the conversations and I could feel the pain of broken bones, knowing that one thing I would hate more than jumping was to jump and live – it would mark another failure in my life. So I slowly retreated to safety. I never told my friend and I can’t recall if we ever went back there. It was another secret I kept for years.

I believe the first time I may have uttered it was when I was having a heart to heart conversation with someone of great influence in my life, a role model. The reaction to my revelation was “what a wicked gyal” – another damaging blow to my core. Apparently I was utterly selfish to even think to kill myself. Here I was revealing my deepest secret and again I was faced with disdain. At that moment I thought: why didn’t I do it? I eventually got beyond thoughts of suicide – I love and value my life. However, the self hurt came in other ways. I would often think, when I felt depressed, to be reckless and do self destructive actions to calm the rage I felt inside. I would probably hurt tomorrow but for today I would be careless. All these things sprung from low self esteem and feelings of low self worth. I would laud people for how great they were but they dare not look to me to applaud me. I would not receive it well, after all, I was not good enough.

The thing is I learned to mask it well. The idea was to be constantly busy making others feel good, to keep the spotlight off me. This continued into adulthood and dare I even say marriage. I gave and gave and would accept all kinds of treatment because I didn’t deserve more. I did not deserve better. I found joy in doing for others because it represented my life’s motto “do unto others as you would like done to you”. I threw my everything into serving others and in the mean time my very core diminished. I lowered my flame so others could burn brighter. One day, I started to learn I was worthy of love and respect. I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I accepted that I was special and was not a mistake. I started to rise from the dust that was my life. I started to step into purpose that was calling my name. Many people do not like it but I continue to step out boldly in faith. I am not where I am headed but I am certainly not that scared and confused teen or weak woman. I am tall and determined to win. I am anointed and appointed. I was to die years ago but God rescued me over and over and today I stand victorious!

7/7/2020 © Marion Maragh

Suffering in Silence

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It is never good when one has to keep secrets especially when they threaten one’s mental health. The truth is many people have had to learn to live this way for fear of ridicule, reproof or scorn. It is said only your friend can harm you. After all, you are on high alert each time an enemy is near but with friends you lower your guard. You regard your friend or relative in high esteem and for the most part you don’t expect him or her to intentionally harm you. This is due to your own care for them and the belief you have that people should look out for and look after one another. This brings me to a story of hurt and distrust between two “friends”.

Was I naive to believe that one of my closest friends would never want to hurt me? As a teenager I used to go to my friend’s house for his sister to comb my hair. Usually, I would sit in my friend’s room, that he and his sister shared, and chat while his sister got ready to do my hair or after it was done, while I waited for him to take me to the bus stop. One day, after my hair was finished, we were in his room as usual chatting when he pushed me down on the bed with the intention to have sex with me. I do not know why I didn’t scream out. I instead fought with all I had, all the time pleading with him not to do this. I kept thinking how he, being a skinny boy, had so much strength to overpower me. It was at the point where he was about to penetrate that I found a new surge of strength and was able to kick him off me and I ran out. At this point, his sister was oblivious to what was going on. She didn’t see when I ran out of the room but when she saw me she asked if I was ready to go. I told her yes, hoping she wouldn’t ask him to walk with me but I kept silent so she called him to accompany me. As we stepped outside of the house he started to tell me sorry and asked me to forgive him. I cried all the way to the bus stop but did not speak to him. He begged me not to say anything to anyone.

I obliged him. I kept silent. After all, what was I going to say that would not cause me to seem at fault? What could I say that wouldn’t turn the interrogative looks my way? I thought to myself if I never went to his room that would never have happened. Never mind that it is where we would always hang out and chat for ages before that day. I blamed myself.

We went to the same church together and were usually inseparable. At this point, I could not stand to see him or talk to him. It was noticeable that we did not socialize anymore and the questions came. I would always find something to say to dismiss the idea that something was wrong. As I write this, I wonder how I dealt with the hair appointments after that. Perhaps I left their house as my hair was done and just put on a facade for his sister and mom so they would not suspect that something went awry. Those circumstances dim in the light of the encounter.

There was a day when we were at church when the sermon was about forgiveness and I struggled to let go. We still didn’t speak as before and I kept my distance. He tried to reconcile but I couldn’t trust him again. That day in church the tears flowed and I went over to his seat and hugged him, I told him I forgave him. The relationship was never the same after that. We remained familiar strangers as he moved away soon after. Whenever we saw each other there were pleasantries but nothing ever went too deep.

Fast forward to years after when that incident seemed like a distant memory. There was an occasion that evoked the memories of the past that shocked my entire being. I could not function mentally, I became depressed and again felt at fault. I could barely come to terms with the current situation because the demons from the teenage years came back with vengeance. It was then I realized that I did not deal with the trauma of the past and recognized that it still affected me deeply. Even as an adult, the similar thoughts were there – what right do I have to speak out? Am I not to be blamed? How did I allow this to happen? Again, I remained silent.

How do I hope to help anyone with this account when I remained silent? I want people to know it is normal for a victim to blame oneself. It is the first likely response. However, it does not have to be nor should be the only response. It is never wrong for one to have a positive outlook on life nor to have faith in people but one should also know that sometimes people fail. They do not show the same respect or care for others as you probably do. It is never too late to speak up about any kind of abuse. There is always a route to healing. Do not downplay any kind of indecent assault. Regardless of the severity, any violation against someone’s right to safety should be taken seriously. You deserve love and respect. You are wonderfully made and loved by God. Use your voice, whatever the medium.

© Marion S. Maragh 30.6.2020

Rona’s Prisoner

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Locked in the house, curfew in effect

Flashing blue Police lights on the hour

Soldiers in loud rumbling choppers

Patrolling the night sky

A once lively street turns to deafening silence

Fear grips the mind as thoughts of the unknown linger

Who will dare go at the risk of being caught?

 

Day dawns, a sunny day ensues

Light fluffy clouds floating by,

Persons hurriedly go by with brilliant coloured masks

of protection

There is hustle and bustle in the once quiet street

Last night forgotten

Intoxicating fragrance of ackee and saltfish and fried dumplings

arrest my nostrils from the nearby restaurant

 

Without visible masks and spray bottles

One could forget Corona

-The reason-

We are on lockdown and in quarantine

“Stay home”, we are told, “protect yourself”

But many disregard warnings

Business must go on

Until

The dreadful hour approaches

Streets become deserted once more

And we become prisoners behind our doors

 

© Marion Maragh 21.5.2020

No More

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It’s easy to push you to get where you need to go,
Easy for me to stand in the gap for you so you can win,
Easy to be your stepping stone as you go up higher,
Easy to strengthen your resolve when you weaken
This cheerleader is second to none as I urge you further
But
My efforts were disregarded and taken for granted
You thought I would always stand behind
Blowing wind into your sails
The ever constant in your life
You forgot I was human
You forgot I was frail
You forgot to show
the appreciation
which was my adrenaline to keep at it
And so my vivacity dwindled
My spirit sunk
And I could no longer
Be your source

#musings ©MSM 25.2.2019

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I once said,
I would not let anyone take my drive, my passion
or dim my light,
yet I find myself treading this path where I have given up much of my power
By letting all of your No’s and negative energy overtake my inner strength.
It is a deep dark trek from beyond the bars
I struggle to rise and
you see this as only an attack on your persona
When all I am seeking
is to be freed from the shackles that
keep me bound…
©MSM

The Way You Do

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Effortlessly I melt at your bidding,
My knees become shaky at an eye contact that strips the inhibitions,
I desire a rendezvous that should leave me fulfilled,
You speak and I drown in the depths of your conversing,
I feel the tenderness of your words as they flow from the sweetness of your lips,
They rush over me as the cascade of a waterfall of emotions
You make me come alive by the bolt of lightning your touch evokes
Burns and yearns in the spot you neglected
Wishing the touches could encompass my being, as I fall helpless in your arms
No matter how I believe I am out of your reach
All it takes is one word and I am back in your hold
Sweet love, that I cannot leave alone, come and make me once more your own.

Marion Maragh © 11/7/2012

Layers of beauty

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I strive to exude beauty in all my layers as this flower

Each layer tells a story

Mine consists of love, hurt, growth, wealth, health, et cetera

With time, the flower blooms and all the conditions contribute to its beauty

I pray all the conditions reveal true beauty in my flower in the end

8.1.2019 MSM

colouring outside the lines

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Passion mirrors passion
Zeal mirrors zeal
Beyond the boundaries, the rhythm of the souls are identical
It plays in sync to the beat of its unique flavour
A match found in each other’s heartbeat
The complimenting boom to the ba boom
Physically the fire blazes as a spark ignites
There is fireworks when the souls come in contact
The picture takes form when life brings together a mating of souls

1.1.2019 MSM

Writer’s block

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The passion we have deep within, sometimes flows out effortlessly,
Another time, we struggle to create a masterpiece even though the words stifle to burst through the seams.
Our pens suffer drought, as the ink seemed to be whisked away with the blocks we face,
We try to hold onto the past arts that our hearts have made manifest.
Until we are able to drink from the well of creative genius again and bask in the mesmerizing flow of beauty.
~MSM ~ 13.12.12