My mind has always been a busy place. I constantly have to put thoughts under subjection – subjection of the Holy Ghost. My mind is a war zone where thoughts bombard and threaten utter peace. There has to be a conscious effort to quiet the mind. I over think situations and conversations and many times draw conclusions that may not be there. Over the years I would share some things that bothered me but certainly not all. As I got older I learnt how to ask for help.
A close friend of mine and I visited a secret place one day, by the sea side among the rocks. This was one of those busy minded days. I had been overwhelmed for a while and I may have asked for us to go there. While he sat on the rocks behind me, I walked out to the edge. I am sure he thought I was just enjoying the picturesque view. I was actually contemplating a jump. I gave up on everything. I was fully convinced that it would be better for everyone if I was no longer around. I am pretty sure someone would say as a teenager, what problems could I have. I had problems that were threatening my sanity and health. I was adamant to fix them. I stood for a while but my friend knew better than to bother me when I walked off into silence. This moment I am talkative and the next I am lost in thought. As I stood everyone and everything flashed before me and I was ready to go. A single thought came to jerk me back to sanity “what if you don’t die when you fall?” I started to hear the conversations and I could feel the pain of broken bones, knowing that one thing I would hate more than jumping was to jump and live – it would mark another failure in my life. So I slowly retreated to safety. I never told my friend and I can’t recall if we ever went back there. It was another secret I kept for years.
I believe the first time I may have uttered it was when I was having a heart to heart conversation with someone of great influence in my life, a role model. The reaction to my revelation was “what a wicked gyal” – another damaging blow to my core. Apparently I was utterly selfish to even think to kill myself. Here I was revealing my deepest secret and again I was faced with disdain. At that moment I thought: why didn’t I do it? I eventually got beyond thoughts of suicide – I love and value my life. However, the self hurt came in other ways. I would often think, when I felt depressed, to be reckless and do self destructive actions to calm the rage I felt inside. I would probably hurt tomorrow but for today I would be careless. All these things sprung from low self esteem and feelings of low self worth. I would laud people for how great they were but they dare not look to me to applaud me. I would not receive it well, after all, I was not good enough.
The thing is I learned to mask it well. The idea was to be constantly busy making others feel good, to keep the spotlight off me. This continued into adulthood and dare I even say marriage. I gave and gave and would accept all kinds of treatment because I didn’t deserve more. I did not deserve better. I found joy in doing for others because it represented my life’s motto “do unto others as you would like done to you”. I threw my everything into serving others and in the mean time my very core diminished. I lowered my flame so others could burn brighter. One day, I started to learn I was worthy of love and respect. I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I accepted that I was special and was not a mistake. I started to rise from the dust that was my life. I started to step into purpose that was calling my name. Many people do not like it but I continue to step out boldly in faith. I am not where I am headed but I am certainly not that scared and confused teen or weak woman. I am tall and determined to win. I am anointed and appointed. I was to die years ago but God rescued me over and over and today I stand victorious!
7/7/2020 © Marion Maragh